I am the divine and that I am. We are all powerful beings and when we become in-tune within ourselves we are at our innermost truth! Shiva, meaning thyself is the source to all life. Once you are able to quite the mind and go within, meditate, you are creating a powerful connection between your breath, mind, and body.
At this moment in time, I have felt the most alone and uncertain. I had made a big decision to not go to a 4 year college and instead ride the wave of life! That being said I have made my way to the most chaotic and energetic city of them all, Manhattan. Yes I did score the most unreal opportunity to work with IMG as a Model as well as pursue my love for photography and that brought on a lot of self discovery.
Leaving my nurtured nest I call home, Santa Barbara, I feel raw and exposed. It felt as if somebody ripped my heart and threw me to the wolves. The day I landed in New York I felt like I had no clue what I was doing and for that I was scared. My monkey mind likes to go on long adventures into the future, which leads to expectations and planning. let me tell you..I am not good at being patient and especially not good at staying in the present. I knew there was a way to cope with feeling homesick and being lost in this city, fully pushed out of my comfort zone which forces me to start planting my seeds and watching them grow. Whether its walking down a different street on my way home, trying a new yoga class, or going around tasting different chai teas in the city, I am making it work. Its all a process and I am learning that, my vision was that I would be working constantly and unable to tune into reality with my emotions. I would wake up early go to castings, do some tests and eventually start getting jobs, but as we all know patience is a virtue and rome wasn’t built in a day. And like I always do, I started falling into the rabbit hole of “what ifs? and “when will I get my next job?”…Its a whirlpool once it starts and its hard to stop the cycle.
Yes as I am writing this bored and sitting at home watching the snow fall from the sky and waiting for what is to come. My dream and vision isn’t to be sitting here in the city working for the rest of my life, but to be in a community surrounded by artists feeding each other with inspiration. I feel what is to come is meant to be and will fuel my creativity. As a photographer, a model, a human, or whatever I call myself, It is amazing to feel the connection within myself and that started from the feeling of being alone but growing from it.
Back to the Om Namah Shivaya, I am finding my true inner self as each day goes by. This mantra was presented to me at a yoga studio I stared going to here in the city, surly enough it was in my dreams because of the amount of times we had to chant it. “Om Namah Shivaya…Om Namah Shivaya…Om Namah Shivaya…Om Namah Shivaya..” over and over and over again until we truly could think of anything else than being in the present. Thats when I felt my inner self, so deeply rooted. Chanting, breath of fire, intentions, healing, this was all so new to me but really helped and still is helping me find my inner self.
This is the foundation of my long journey ahead and it starts by cultivating a strong base within that vibrates out and enlightens your path in the direction you may go. At the times when I feel so alone and uncertain about my career and choice of career, I tune into my spiritual self and discover it is all within. I have found Kundalini here and it is amazing. Its like nothing I have ever tried, yes you sit for an hour breathing into your belly and chanting like a crazy person and no you do not sweat or call this exercising. You exercise your mind and go within. I don’t really smoke and Ive never taken acid but this is the closest I will get. Kundalini is my high, it aligns me and connects my mind with my body.
Writing is my way of processing all the new that comes into my life lately and for those who feel so inclined to following along, I will be checking in and updating my where about for the next few weeks.